i get so scared. and i get scared again. yuo are never gonna calm me down. i get so scared. and i get scared again. you are never gonna calm me down. i drink a nervous drink. i drink a frightened drink. i drink an anxious drink, i drink a scary drink. i fear the scares that remind me of the scary times. i fear the scares that remind me of the horror times
Next Pixar movie is going to be called Colors. It will be about different colors living in color city
affirmations:
- I will start working
- I will get my work done
- I will do my work
- I won’t open another tab
- I may have opened another tab, but I’m going to close it soon
- I’ve read something interesting on the tab but I’m going to close it and get back to work
- I’ve opened another tab
- Did you know Australia is wider than the moon
The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:
- the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”
- That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”
- oh, that hurt
- I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots
- the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life
- on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious
- I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was
- The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”
- God.
- for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again
- it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”
what are your thoughts on the holy trinity being a mathematical function where the father is the input, the son is the output, and the holy spirit is the mathematics? my uber driver was tryijg to explain it to me and i didn't understand a goddamn lick of what he was saying. is this some sort of new branch of christianity i havent heard about?
I have literally never heard of that before. But I swear there is a branch of theology that you can only get from strange Uber drivers.
my last uber driver said St. Michael the archangel was responsible for covid-19 in some way, unsure if it was malevolent or not, i was pretty drunk
The last time I was in Portland I had an Uber driver who told me that there were “as many as 8” JFK shooters.
